productive conversation

27 Jul, 2022

with a lack of competence in conversing, i've relegated myself to an observer role (more informally: a chismosa :-x). it's been an exercise in listening, a skill that i had always put secondary to speaking before this little but long-term experiment. yet, without saying a word, i've been able to glean much about what encourages interactions. i didn't actually see thoughtful conversation etiquette like intent listening or being cautious about interrupting, but with my own listening i could see beyond those convo don'ts.

listening to other people not listen to each other is a surefire way to give me a headache (i've had to step out many times because i couldn't stomach the chaos any longer) but they've been illuminating. a little like watching the clouds clear after a thunderstorm, knowing what not to do has uncovered the things one should do. i found that these vicious convo don'ts were often the inverse of something else.

so, below, i've managed to narrow down the ingredients that make up an unproductive conversation and a productive one:

| unproductive conversation ʕ •`ᴥ•´ʔ |       vs.           | productive conversation ＼ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ／ | | --------- | --------- | --------- | | | | | | | | self-centeredness and resists understanding |     → | willingness to understand | | | | | inflexible views and ideas |     → | openness to new views and ideas | | fear and refusal to be vulnerable |     → | courage to be vulnerable | | lack of interest in the other |     → | curiosity about the other | | rigid, traditional view of language |     → | acceptance of the complexity and fluidity of language |

more closely, empathy, or the ability to understand, and adaptability, or the ability to shift courses and ideas seem to be the roots of a productive conversation. whenever conflict arose or a conversation broke off, it was because someone wasn't willing to understand the other's feelings or was rigid about contemplating a different perspective. i could only imagine the different paths their conversation would've rambled if they had relaxed their guards.

communicating is hard. a feat, even, for unsocialized people like me lol, but these observations have allowed me to work on my own imperfect communication skills. i often bring these traits to mind before i say something... but they mostly pop up in my head after i say something completely unconducive to good dialogue. it's been a nice way to reflect and remember how to do it better next time.

i only wish people were more willing to exercise these qualities.