it's no exaggeration that i overthink my social interactions.

today's invasive thought is the one where it's the weekend and i am living my own life and run into my boss who i never met in person until this very unexpected moment.

(i am so anxious i can't even structure my thoughts)

some background context prior to The Situation:

• it's sunday, the final day of rest before going back to the stressful five-day work week. i am happy!
• i am touring the city under perfect weather (breezy and overcast), exploring places i have never been to before
• important to note: i hate running into people unexpectedly, specifically work-related people in a non-work-related environment
• separating my personal life from work life is imperative so when the latter bleeds into the former, i malfunction
• as a planner who planned this sunday one week in advance, This Situation not being accounted for is a big no

The Situation

i am waiting for my takeout sandwich outside of a restaurant. the place is so small there isn't room for customers to loiter so that they have to wait on the wooden bench outside. i take a seat and find something to look at. my boredom takes me to a person sitting across from me. they seem to be smiling at me but for what? did i do something?? is my hair wonky?? i ignore it, but the second i look away, i realize the person smiling at me is my boss. the boss i had never seen outside the confines of a browser tab on my computer screen until now.

i maintain my unfazed posture, as if i had just looked at a stranger (repeat: keep lying to yourself until it becomes reality). without changing my facial expression, i look around at the storefronts and the people walking by. i know it's all an unnecessary act when i would soon be hearing my name called out.

in a few minutes, the restaurant door flies open and an employee holding my wrapped sandwich walks out. i contemplate raising my hand and standing up to prevent the man from uttering a single SOUND of what i knew would be my name... but doing that would be too obvious. so i let every. syllable. of. my. name. pour out of his mouth in perfect pronunciation for everyone to hear. i knew it was the final clue my boss was looking for to confirm my identity. i grab my sandwich, wishing i could walk back to the bench faster.

i bite and chew but i don't process the flavors. i'm too busy turning my body away at the optimal angle that is both natural and doesn't give away the fact that, yes, i am hiding because i am aware you, my boss, are right there. i realize how odd i must look and face myself towards them. it's a painful motion.

at my last bite, i crumple the paper wrapper and relax a little. perhaps my bloated state can be a sign for people to stay away from me, kind of like a prey-predator form of communication. i don't know. at this point, i am holding onto every rationalization i can come up with to wish my boss away. but in the next blink, they're making big strides towards me. i try my best to keep my glance away for as long as is appropriate. a second too long and a second too short would give me away.

"hi! ___!" they call out. i grit my teeth.

i feign surprise at recognizing their face which, looking back, i'm not sure was convincing at all because i was wearing a mask. the greetings tumble into a flurry of small talk and every response i make feels like a cry for help. but as much as i'm wishing for the conversation to end, i decide to volley back with a question to keep up the illusion. eventually, we say our see you tomorrows.

---

the anxious aftermath

:)

:)

i cannot. i'm not sure how it looked from the outside. maybe my boss simply felt obligated to greet a fellow employee. maybe they were able to see through my phony cheerfulness. maybe maybe maybe.

i might as well have turned into a block of ice after that interaction. my thoughts: "oh no, they know i have a personal life," "they know my excuses for missing the team outings are unfounded now that they have proof i can attend where our team outings take place," "they better NOT bring this up in our next meeting," "i hate this so much," etc.

i thought writing this out would help me find the root of my anxiety but i feel the exact same: cringing that it actually happened, freaking out that my boss PERCEIVED me in the body, beating myself up over my conversational incompetence. the list goes on.

am i just over-overthinking this? are my worries valid? do i simply have an unreasonable expectation of separating my work and personal life personas? is it because i have personas to begin with?

typically i have a hold on my overthinking. i can usually provide myself grounded reasoning and comfort in the same breath. yet i can't seem to do any of that for this situation.

i don't know what to think. i just know that i want this nonsense out of my brain immediately.