with a lack of competence in conversing, i've relegated myself to an observer role (more informally: a chismosa :-x). it's been an exercise in listening, a skill that i had always put secondary to speaking before this little but long-term experiment. yet, without saying a word, i've been able to glean much about what encourages interactions. i didn't actually see thoughtful conversation etiquette like intent listening or being cautious about interrupting, but with my own listening i could see beyond those convo don'ts.

listening to other people not listen to each other is a surefire way to give me a headache (i've had to step out many times because i couldn't stomach the chaos any longer) but they've been illuminating. a little like watching the clouds clear after a thunderstorm, knowing what not to do has uncovered the things one should do. i found that these vicious convo don'ts were often the inverse of something else.

so, below, i've managed to narrow down the ingredients that make up an unproductive conversation and a productive one:

unproductive conversation ʕ •`ᴥ•´ʔ	vs.	productive conversation ＼ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ／
self-centeredness and resists understanding	→	willingness to understand
inflexible views and ideas	→	openness to new views and ideas
fear and refusal to be vulnerable	→	courage to be vulnerable
lack of interest in the other	→	curiosity about the other
rigid, traditional view of language	→	acceptance of the complexity and fluidity of language

more closely, empathy, or the ability to understand, and adaptability, or the ability to shift courses and ideas seem to be the roots of a productive conversation. whenever conflict arose or a conversation broke off, it was because someone wasn't willing to understand the other's feelings or was rigid about contemplating a different perspective. i could only imagine the different paths their conversation would've rambled if they had relaxed their guards.

communicating is hard. a feat, even, for unsocialized people like me lol, but these observations have allowed me to work on my own imperfect communication skills. i often bring these traits to mind before i say something... but they mostly pop up in my head after i say something completely unconducive to good dialogue. it's been a nice way to reflect and remember how to do it better next time.

i only wish people were more willing to exercise these qualities.