for months i've imagined sitting at my desk to finally type up a new post. in my mind, a blog post demands a straightened spine and the authority of a mechanical keyboard. but at a time (3 am) when i badly need an outlet (mental), using a smartphone in fetal position suffices!

to no one's surprise i'm up on a weekday because of my cursed habit of replaying past events and wishing i had done things differently. like being embarrassed is my favorite past time... which it is not. i hate it and i wish i could stop the self-flagellation.

i tried to sleep for almost an hour but only ended up thinking about the way i introduced myself at an interview, if i even started with my name, if i accidentally interrupted someone because of my connection lagging — or was that just me being my usual interrupting self? i followed the trail and it unraveled into more worries that shared the common thread of "did they like me?"

even in my sleep i am trying to people-please! i'm tired!

fortunately, during a previous couldn't-sleep night, i came to the conclusion that as long as i speak my truth, i have nothing to worry about. i may feel regretful when i look back, but when i remind myself that i simply expressed myself as genuinely as i could, there is no reason for me to be ashamed. i allowed myself to be me in that moment, so i should allow my future self to be accepting of that. it all comes down to giving myself grace.

so, before i attempt to sleep again: i did my best and i spoke my truth!