today an old man in a plaid blazer handed me gummy candy as a valentine's day treat. i had seen him making the rounds at the cafeteria earlier but thought he was just soliciting donations for a questionable charity. when he came towards me, i cautiously took the candy from him. it took a while for me to process that he wasn't asking for anything in return and that the red box he was holding wasn't meant for loose change. he had already moved onto the next person when i thought to say "happy valentine's day" back.

i'm paranoid for good reason, at least i'd like to think. being alert is second nature as a girl and someone not white. i look down, step aside, avoid attention, and blend into the background. but i am also very shy so those behaviors are pretty innate, although they spoil a lot of things that should be light and fun... like today's interaction. what should've been a wholesome exchange became uncomfortable because i was guarded. (the lady who received her candy after me was overjoyed—why couldn't i have reacted in the same way?!) this is only one of many times suspicion has caused me to miss out on things. i keep my head so low that i am blind to my surroundings.

i might need to separate the concepts of safety and comfort more clearly. i don't know which clever person i heard this from but there's that saying about safety being comfortable and comfort not always being safe, and i find myself sitting between those two truths. i've constantly prioritized comfort, usually at the expense of curiosity and growth. the sluggishness that comes with being stagnant is so much more palpable these days, especially as i get older. it's like dragging my feet down a path with no end in an all white room. it's boring except i don't want the rest of my life to be boring!

i have reached the end of living by "less is more." it might be time to make "more is more" my mantra.